People ask me why I write. It's a fair and obvious question. After all, I don't make money at it and I'm not interested in traditional publication. So why? And why put it on a blog for people to love, hate or ignore without generally even knowing which reaction they choose?
Well, it's simple. I write for the same reason that I breathe: to keep on living. For me the equation is simple: no breath; no life; no words; no life. Or perhaps, no self-expression; no self. But, I don't just express myself when I write, I discover myself. Writing tells me about who I am and it often tells me things I didn't know about myself before.
I don't choose to do it; I am compelled to do it. I have to, just to continue being. It's not what I do; it's what I am.
Was this always the case? Yes and no.
I wrote a lot when I was young. In high school and the army, I fully expected writing to somehow become the cornerstone of my life. It didn't work out that way.
I got married and for thirty years I stopped. Why? Writing must be brutally honest. My ex-wife didn't appreciate honesty that strayed outside of her very limited, conventional mindset. I loved her and I didn't want to upset her, so I squelched myself. It was either that or practice the most dishonest kind of self-censorship. I preferred silence to that.
Problem was that I voluntarily removed the thing that meant the most to me from my life. That made my life feel empty and unfulfilled. Those feelings accumulated over the years and the result was that, not only was I unhappy, so was she. It is hard to be a good husband, father or even person when you are only feeling half alive. In the end, I resented her for what I had done to myself to please her. And that had a lot to do with the marriage ending.
When it did, the faucet turned back on again. Through the last four (very difficult) years, writing has been my one constant; the thing that has sustained me through some very, very bad times. It still does.
As for the blog, it provides me with an audience without the hassles of traditional publishing. True, I don't know much about my audience, but I know it's there, and that's enough for me. It provides the very small amount of ego massage that I need.
Not a very cogent explanation, I suppose, but the best I have. I intend to keep writing. I hope you keep reading. Hell, I even wish my ex-wife would!
- mce
Mike, you have to be true to yourself, as Shakespeare so eloquently stated.....when you hinder a part of yourself to please another...nobody wins. I did the same thing...quit painting and writing, but turned that creativity into gardening - flower & vegetable, and sewing. Looking back, I realized that I lost a huge part of who I was, as have you. Bask in the freedom you now have to become who you've always wanted to be...published, or not. It's what is in your heart that counts anyway....isn't it? Cathy From Murfreesboro
ReplyDeleteSo well written. Keep on - the best is yet to be.
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